New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
