How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
