I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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