also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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