I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
