I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
