His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
