there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
