I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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