I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
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