This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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