What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
