She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
