just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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