You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
