is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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