just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
