Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
