I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
