Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
