i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
