I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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