wanna go halves on a baby?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
where am i from again
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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