I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
