I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
