Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
