I met the friendliest cop last night
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
