ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
