Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
