Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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