So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
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she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
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He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.