Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
