Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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