the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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