you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
not ubering you a puppy
Randomize
