I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
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At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
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I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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