1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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