If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
