i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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