I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
