now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
