i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
