I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
In America we eat man semen.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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