Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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