jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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