I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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