Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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