Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
