So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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