just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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