How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
