I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
