she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
